hmmm... well i guess the blind stabb i took when i thought bringing the blank blogging page up would inspire ideas was one that missed and came back to me in the thigh. But i guess writing about not being able to write anything is a good start. It's been crazy lately in that nothing has been happening in my life.
and the well has run dry.

"when I says 'hip' you, you say shut the fuck up. you ain't sayin' shit, and i respect it."

I need to not play DOD anymore because, for those of you that've seen p.pwnage, I'm turning into FPS Doug. Last week, i played it for about 32 hours straight. Let's just say that i was about 10k/3d. I've also started actually saying the acronym "lol" as if it were a word whenever I laugh at stuff. But at least david, BATTLEMASTER, have been spending more time with eachother than we did in the 17 years we lived with each other.
My nights for the past few weeks have consisted of this:
my cell phone rings about 12 or 1am
I put on my earset and say hello to david
then we look for a server on DOD
we pick one
then devistate the competition.
we're usually allies.
lol, we made our own clan last night
[Noclan clan}

I'm also the supplier of cigarettes to underage smokers now, too.
damn, stephen. You're reaching goals.
yes, yes i am.

i pretty much do not want to go outside for the next few days

....about why i'm still here.

Every few days I am reminded of the lines from an Agent Smith from the first Matrix when he is trying to do the horizontal tango with Morpheus' mind.
And it only reminds me of the desperate nature with which I need to get the fuck out of Dodge.
Plus, i'm tired of lying to everyone....

as we speak, my grandmother is telling me stories about my ancestors.
I am now positive that mental illness runs in my mom's side of the family.
... crazy people

good thing i didn't get any of it.

Strikingly Apathetic

So my grandmother's seeing colors which means i am taking her to the doctor tomorrow morning to see if she's having another stroke. Strokes are not good because this isn't golf.

I've been playing way too much DOD
and to make it worse off
david just pre-purchased DOD Source
So when that comes out,
I will not see anyone
ever
again.

Video games have become my antismoking cause because I haven't been outside today to smoke.
it's a mix between gaming and practice.

But even though we are horrible

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

geekolution

So tonight I made a new friend.
He lives in Houston, TX.
His name is El Lokote II.
And I met him on Day of Defeat.
Yes, an online FPS running on the Half-Life engine.
And for about 3 hours straight, all the mods were our house
because we pwned them.
lol. I need to get a life.
or just sleep part of the time.

I "fell asleep" at the computer again last night.

It's horrible for people whose teeth ache when they do not sleep.

"Sometimes I dream of cheese" -HL2 Character

well, friends. I just beat Half-Life 2 in two sittings. The first one, I played for about 2 hours - all the way up to the airboat. The second one, I played from there until the end with maybe 2 breaks. Do you know how that translates? 6.5 hours is what that translates to. The graphics in that game are so awesome. I can't wait until Lost Highway and HL2:Aftermath are released... because i can just throw time away.
To sum it up: I pwn, and that's final.

dramatic turn

Well, let's just say that apathy has been getting the best of the best and his memory. So the short of the past few days is that I drove up to IU and was mentally put back in 5th grade there. Prior to that I went to see my brother and dad... not a 6 hour drive that was considerably worth it, but hey, family is a group of motherfuckers you can't dismiss. Then yesterday - or the day before - I drove back down here. Saddly, Indy is a little bit less exciting than Evil is. But coming back was much worth the drive because I got to see this girl who doesn't care if she lets her gas be known... even at these prices... don't ask. It's 4:32am. then today, i did some light cleaning because apathy + stvn = housewife mentality, and after that passed, I showered and hung out at kyrie's house with her and grace and the Fox pack where we all feasted upon the corpse of a middle easterner.
Happy September 11th, people

snicker down, mother fucker

so as of late, i've installed steam onto my computer with all of the HLs prior to HL2, which means that I've just begun to start owning noobs like 24/7 - but that's all thanks to ut04. The FPS is like going to school, ya know, with some really good AI to go up against. So now, i'm like owning noobs ant HL:Opposing Forces, like 40k/25d to like 12k/54d. And, ya know, I'm happy with that. it's basically my first week actually trying to own, and it's pissing all of the noobs off because i put my handle down as noob_jenkens that way they just know that they're below noob stats and are just like "whoa. i am just a noob gay." and i'm just like "roflmoal."

dear golly... i've been playing too much steam/ut04 and watching too much red vs. blue/Pure Pwnage...
i'm going outside now.

it's all downhill from here, shniggen-hoffer

I think the state of mind-fucking I’ve been feeling break this peaceful-hymen-state I’ve been in for the past (just taking a stab) three months is the realization that in believing all life is equal and deserving of equal rights, I have, in doing so, started alienating myself from the immediate society around me. I have yet to meet a person who prays for dead and dying insects (s)he finds and cries over the domestication of animals. The fact that there is no damage control for this senseless, ongoing lose of life and no possible way of repairing the harm of thousands of years of evolutionary-tampering is making me feel less and less akin with everyone around me. And the fact that I can not separate myself from those further causing damage - there's no possible way that I can conceive at this point to stop supporting this ideology of human superiority over the earth. And knowing that the same stereotype I once put on people trying to seek unity with surrounding life is now upon me is just a degree of irony i can't stand.

i lied so i wouldn't have to help a blindman across a highway

"There once was a song called "Arrest The President." Contemporary music, a hit with the kids, it was a top ten. I wasn't pop then, so I missed the bus a bit, But politics was on everybody's hot this summer list. The cool kids were all rocking votes, I shit you not, I was pistol whippin' cops for hip hop. [Booyea!] On my soap box yelling into megaphones. Killing hard rocks using carcasses as stepping stones.Had to promise that I'd stop holding my marches The day that Chris Columbus got crucified on golden arches. My pedestal was too tall to climb off, In fact that's the reason for the high horse. And from up here I see Marines and Hummers on a conquest; Underdogs with wonderbras in a push-up contest, All for the sake of military recruitment. It felt like Kent State the way they targeted the students, I galloped off whistling "Ohio." The rest of them, stuck doing stand up at a cricket convention. What would they die for? (repeat) Is it the same machine that leaves the quality of life poor? An abominable colony of cyborgs? Clogging up the property that I bought with eyesores? That clever ad campaign ain't worth The time taken from minimum wage labor; I don't care how half-naked or fake she looks, She smells like dirty cash and aged paper books. What would she die for? Slow down Gandhi, you're killin' em Slow down Gandhi, you're killin' em. Now it's whistle blower vs. the pistol holder; Case dismissed, they'll lock you up and throw away the key witness. Justice is the whim of a judge, check his chest density, It leaves much room for error, and the rest left to destiny. The West Memphis 3 lost paradise, It's death penalty vs. suicidal tendencies. All I wanted was a fucking Pepsi. Institution. Making you think you're crazy is a billion dollar industry. If they could sell sanity in a bottle They'd be charging for compressed air, And marketing healthcare. They demonize welfare, Middle class eliminated, Rich get richer til the poor get educated. But some of y'all still haven’t grown into your face, And your face doesn't quite match your head. And I'm waiting for a brain to fill the dead space that's left, You're all, "Give me ethnicity or give me dreads." Trustafundian rebel without a cause for alarm, Cause when push turns to shove You jump into your forefathers arms. He's a banker, you're part of the system, Off go the dreadlocks in comes the income. The briefcase (the freebase) The sickness (the symptom) When the cameras start rollin' stay the fuck outta the picture pilgrim! The briefcase (the freebase) The sickness (the symptoms) When the cameras start rollin'... Slow down Gandhi, you're killin' em. Mr. Save The World, spare us the details, Save the females from losing interest. And Miss Save The Universe, You're a damsel in distress, Tied down to a track of isolated incidents. Generalize my disease, I need a taste of what it's like. Living off the fat of kings, I play the scab at your hunger strike. Slow down Gandhi, you're killin'em. One love, one life, one too many victims. Republicrat, Democran, one party system. Media goes in a frenzy, They're stripped of their credentials. Presidential candidates can't debate over this instrumental. Let 'em freestyle, winner takes all, When the music’s dead, I'll have Ted Nugent’s head hangin' on my wall. Kill one of ours, we'll kill one of yours. With some friendly fire, that’s a funny term, like civil war. Six in the morning, police at my crib. Now my nights consist of two toothpicks and eyelids. The crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated. New flavored food made of mutated hybrids. Uh, they tell me that it's not that bad. It fucks you up good, but its not that bad. They hold on to these tales till it's the dog that wags. God save us all if he lets the cat out the bag. Who's the one to blame for this strain in my vocal chords? Who can pen a hateful threat but can't hold a sword? It's the same who complain about the global war, But can't overthrow the local joker that they voted for. They call the shots (but they're not in the line of fire). I call the cops (but they're breakin the line of duty). Lets call a stop to the abuse of authority. The truth keeps callin' me, and I'ma live to tell the story. So look for truth, quit seeking forgiveness. You need to cut the noose, but you don't believe in scissors. You support the troops by wearing yellow ribbons? Just bring home my motherfuckin' brothers and sisters. Cause they don't call the shots (but they're in the line of fire). I'd like to call the cops (but they're breakin' the line of duty). It's time to call a stop (To the abuse of authority). The truth keeps calling me And I'ma live to tell the story."
Slow Down Gandhi by Sage Francis

"The force of my love was strong. The sea lion lay down long. Song in the air. Why should singer care? When singer can be among song.
Ma, Ma--look what i did, Ma. Look what i did to my hands, I broke 'em.
You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel, didn't say how to hold 'em.
Didn't say to give away every piece of the puzzle 'til i was left with nothin'.
But i took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dust.
Get in the bus. Hop in the van. Jump in the water. Crawl to the land.
Build another castle out of sand. Break it down and then get into the saddle again.
I'm going city to city - i'm already lost. Tell the boss who is new in town.
I'll ride this horse 'til it it bucks me off and i'm forced to shoot it down.
I'll take him out for some gasoline. Trade this cow for some magic beans.
Gonna make mom proud of the deals that I made, 'cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed
But i'm glad that I never passed the genes, and I never put down the axe.
Piano man got a checkered dance floor to grace and a painful look on his face.
'Cause the crowd is packed and the louder they clap
the less he is able to make the connection between what he sees
when he hears certain notes and the hurt that is shown in his facial expression. Ahhhhhh.
I don't need your "go ahead" to go ahead. No, I know no one said it was gonna be easy,
but sweet jesus who wants to sleep with me?
Too many moves to learn. Not enough people to put 'em on.
Look it, mom! No hands. I built this suit of armor with wooden arms."
Sea Lion by Sage Francis


"i'm on fire, i'm on fire
me too, me too
guns yo, i keep one in my pillowcase
it keeps me safe when i sleep, still i keep awake
what if my dream girl pays a midnight visit?
i see the world thru the scope but i gain no insight with it
when i get introspective i put the safety on
make these songs
with the biscuit sittin in my shaky palms
i'm a man now (a real man)
not the one who went to two colleges
grovellin' over meal plans
i'm starin' at the ceiling fan
all wide-eyed
amazed by the ways the blades break the silence
i used to be afraid of firin'
it sounded startling
but now i'm starting to hate the quiet moments
might remind you of a mike
by the way i hold it (to the grill)
a homophobic rapper
unaware of the graphic nature of phallic symbols
tragically ironic, suckin' off each others' gats & pistols
i got more back issues than guns and ammo
cuz my uzi weighs a ton
and i never let go of the handle
hangin' on to mommy's pant leg
double-fistin'
knee-deep in shells kickin' ballistics
this dick is a detachable penis
an extension of my manhood positioned like a fetus
an intravenous hook-up feeds bullets to my magazine
nevermind the bullocks, my pistol is a sex machine
guns yo (sex machine)
bust it
i got another gun (what)
i keep it in my briefcase
it keeps me safe at my workplace
cubicle gangster who's in need of his personal space
gangster of love who's unable to look girls in his face
cuz i know that all the stupid people increase the birth rate
i'm just about dumb enough to hold up a sperm bank
make my demands and then facilitate fur trades
empty the bird cage and release the mermaids
huh
i got a watergun
i keep it in my mouth
it keeps me safe from the things i like to speak about
but words are leakin' out
and all these smiles that i crack
are like a dam on the verge of collapse
there ain't no turnin' back
in fact i can't hold down my fluids
can't retract statements
without water displacement
flooded the basement
then sought refuge
removed my waterproof vest and then i kicked off my wet shoes
made it to dry land
pistol in hand
fistfuls of ammo riding on a camel
thru a desert of sand
lucid dreams are a lot like computer screens
people have pretentious conversations but i shoot the breeze
blow a hole straight thru their long-winded theories
hold my own and make songs for them to sing with me
its the same type of heat that millie used
to break the ice with santa claus
when she made him sing the christmas blues
capitalists strung her up for killin'em
every manufactured holiday they sacrifice another victim
before wartime depression sets in
i get to step in
and shoe shine my weapon
i'm hemorrhoid, i'm the leader
you're dead like dey la
i hold my crotch like a nine-millimeter
guns yo
(i'm on fire) (me too)
(nine-millimeter) (sex machine)"
Gunz Yo by Sage Francis

heart to hide-away.

"Electro-Shock Blues"
Feeling scared today
Write down "i am ok"
A hundred times the doctors say
I am ok
I am ok
I'm not ok
Skin is crawling off
Mopping the sweaty drops
Sticking around for this shit
Another day
Another day
Not another day
Pink pill feels good
Finally understood
Take me in your warm embrace
I am trying
I am trying

this is irony with the slit-your-wrists-music to the current situation. gee-golly, it's like i'm bipolar. but i don't know. i guess it all makes sense in the "i'm not telling anyone" kind of way.

just thought this was significant