sos

I found a soul mate in a burning city
and a great photographer who is basically just from everywhere

his name is Raed

haven't heard from BATTLE since he landed in Baghdad.
I feel like some silly kid who is just worrying over nothing,
then i remember how retarded the whole matter is
and then remember that added to that retarded situation
are guns. Before he left, i talked to him like it was all still
just a video game.

"get ur h4cks 0n & rmember ff on"
what the fuck was i thinking

here's a little poem i just wrote... and 4 a.m.

it's 4am.
want to know why i am up?
i'll tell you.
i am up because my grandmother woke up and decided to make soup.
make soup.
my room is right underneath the kitchen.
i went up stairs and asked her what she was doing,
and she said she was making soup-
making soup.
then she asked me
what else was she supposed to be doing.
i shot myself.

BATTLE in baghdad

i don't think i've ever been so frustrated, pissed off, and sad all at the same time.
my hand hurts from the fight i got into with my steering wheel.

so sleepy

And Eat it Too
Mark introduced me to a great song that goes a bit like
"When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me,
I'm really only praying
That the words you'll soon be saying
Might betray the way you feel about me."

"Lucid" Dreams
I've been having the weirdest dreams - mixes of movies and RL that shouldn't belong together. It makes me wonder why i even want to sleep at all with all the people and things that seem to come out from it. it's rubbish though, so no hard feelings.

Crash Deux
so i broke my car again >_<
it's not cool but is cutting down on the amount i smoke
because mom still drives the mini-van

BATTLEMASTER
So BATTLE is in Kuwait now.
They don't really tell him what they're going to do with him
until a day or a few hours before he's deployed off to do it.
The phones are expensive as hell out there, so he's only been able to get out
one phone call, and the internet cafes are $5 an hour which sucks because
the only times he's been able to send me a pm have been when I've been at work.
He sent my grandmother a singing camel in the mail.
hopefully it will get here before she leaves for TX.

Drive-time
I'm basically going to travel a million miles on the 30th and 31st.
On the 30th, after I get off work, because i am caught up in this situation that
just seems to be amazingly addicting, i am driving down to Nashville to see a
wonderful person
for 12 hours of bliss,
then i'm driving back to evil
going to work for four hours
then catching a plane to texas
NEVER TO BE SEEN AGAIN!

taking out the trash

Once a fixation of sex, apathy and masturbation, I am still suturing to mend a hole in the left side of me, left in a state of physical impotency. Not giving imagery of a boy crying while touching his penis, I'm just trying to convey the emotion of losing habits by association and not being pissed. Now, sleeping with a taxing mind remembering the deductions taken when it was a good ol' time. A thief in the night that will eventually end up a trite love interest, I don't let the chip fall down to my chest and sulk about not being blessed; I still have stolen articles of all my ex-girlfriends' clothes. "Nobody knows, nobody knows, nobody knows why I've got this bloody nose." I stick to my mom like the pin-prick of a commercial bomb. I am a jew, a muslim, a christian, a terrorist, a peace keeper, a tree-hugger. I am a buddhist - having every kind of illumination, even all of the vintage to keep me side-stepping a straight line on my agnostic pilgrimage. I don't give a shit about cops. I don't like suvs, jeeps, or hummers; I am not for EatingSheep. I am a vegetarian and believe that the equality of life doesn't just pertain to man. Denounced as ADD, I don't watch tv or stare into space regularly. I play the viola because textbooks don't speak to me. And just like social inequality, I never stop

time, it comes, and time, it goes; damn, i admit, it was a good show

for the past few weeks, ever since he was given his orders for iraq, Battle, along with the rest of my immediate family, has been encouraging me to take a position being offered in the national guard. A Chaplain's Guard is what I would be. All i would have to do is "guard the chaplain as he's giving the wounded" their last spiritual advice and "learn how to shoot a pistol." Normally, as i have for the last 2 years of my life, i would just say blankly that i will look into it, but now that Battle is off in his namesake and the pressure of being the only wang-klyburn in the past few generations to not take up an armed international diplomacy is starting to crush me, i am thinking of it in a non-masturbatory fashion. don't get me wrong, i do not buy into the whole "die for your country" rubbish nor the mindset that it is okay to kill anything. it is more of being the only one to step out of the line that brings honor in my family's eyes. Not really any of my family has done anything great with their lives, 'cept Van, outside of the military. So i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

But on to better lighting:

which will be added after i practice

Earlier, this weekend

Act I
mum and i rep. both sides before Battle goes.

It was a very serious time

Act II
erin
chrissy and i
the three of us
then we dropped chrissy for another MM friend
one night and a few hundred miles later, we got stuck in a traffic jam
but it was all worth it because we stumbled on a Piggly Wiggly!!!

Uncle Joe

Uncle Joe was my uncle in the same way that his sister, Aunt Diana, is my aunt in that they both aren't really my aunt or my uncle. They both are in the family, but are the children of some relative i never knew or something. my family isn't really big on family. But none of that mattered when it came around to being x-mas; he was at everyone i can remember. I don't really remember much about him except that he was very nice and would say hilarious stuff every once in a while and that he used to be a really big football person before his stroke. something about being ranked football player of the decade by someone. It's all of these unspecific details that i remember about him which have been going through my head ever since my mom told me that he was found dead in his bedroom this morning. i mean, i have enough to say i know him, but not really enough to have known him. it all wasn't really expected, and i don't know if it's shock that he won't be here for christmas or if i really am just listless about the whole matter. it seems so silly going through the thought process of "should I be feeling a certain way because of this" instead of just feeling it.

escape/release

i haven't felt better in months after driving these 15 hours and ending up in the same place.

i'm just taking it as a sickness that's been going around
people just lose their wits
and somehow through getting this disease
want to go invade iraq
and die for their country
"united by a tragedy and divided by the same"
bullshit

^_^

bye bye bye

today everybody and my mom pwnt me

i'm not going to lie; it wasn't amazing.

cheers

Application For A Driving License

Two birds loved
in a flurry of red feathers
like a burst cottonball,
continuing while I drove over them.
I am a good driver, nothing shocks me.

Michael Ondaatje

knowing my work is a drop in an ocean

Stephen's Got a Gun
"so did you go eat a hamburger after?"
and zing

Jetpack
So at the end of this week, i am running away! it really is a step well needed. i've had the burning sensation for the past few weeks that can only come from being in an unhealthy place for a long enough time without a healthy exposure... or i guess it could be a tract infection. who knows. i know that after david's well on his way to iraq on friday, i'll just need an escape. then, when i get back from that lovely excursion, i'm back under water here for only about a week and a half before i fly off to texas. then i'm off to longy!
oh i was accepted to UofE a few days ago... somehow, i think that i might have lost that letter already.
honestly, i can't wait to forget most of what this place is to me.

it ranks in importance with this list, i force-feed myself - trying not to choke

but i guess the whole gesture of even making note of it is a testament to how full of shit i am.

fuck

what's the longest phone conversation you've had?

something like six hours with katie carmicheal(sp?), and i still don't know how that ever found its way into my personal record books
but now, it seems that time is erroneous as a meter when put against content
and much of what the last two hours of my life were
was content and a telephone
the 10th will be such a bittersweet day
cliche as that is, it is exactly what it will be.

Black: we know what happened