thick skin

in a way it's like seeing an ex-girlfriend but in the most plutonic way possible.
the rejection because of shortcomings is there
along with the longing for things to "just to get back to the way they were"
but that's in the long-running because i was there
and felt how it is to fuck up and continue to
while trying to get better in the same way that masturbation contributes to life goals.
and then seeing him. my former viola teacher.
trying to get back to then
reading books that have nothing to do with what i want so i have to pretend
that it's interesting
so i have to work harder to be brighter
in order to get what everyone says will make life better.
but just like then
when he asked me time and time again
and grilled me to get my shit together
i didn't really get the picture
and i still don't
so i practice my smile and the way i walk as a waiter
the way i masterbate in order to achieve my life goals.